The Naive Alienator

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The Naive Alienator :

"Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him buy your soccer shoes."

Most divorced parents have moments when they are Naive alienators. These parents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthy relationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court because of problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. They encourage the relationship between the children and the other parent and their family. Communication between both parents is usually good, though they will have their disagreements, much like they did before the divorce. For the most part, they can work out their differences without bringing the children into it.

Children, whether or not their parents are divorced, know there are times when their parents will argue or disagree about something. They don't like seeing their parents argue and may feel hurt or frightened by what they hear. Somehow, the children manage to cope, either by talking out their feelings to a receptive parent, ignoring the argument or trusting that the skirmish will pass and all will heal. What they see and hear between their parents does not typically damage the children of the naive alienator. They trust their parent's love and protection. The child and the parent have distinct personalities, beliefs and feelings. Neither is threatened by how the other feels towards the targeted parent.

The characteristics of Naive alienators are:

Their ability to separate in their minds the children's needs from their own. They recognize the importance for the children to spend time with the other parent so they can build a mutually loving relationship. They avoid making the other parent a target for their hurt and loss.

Their ability to feel secure with the children's relationship with their grandparents and their mother or father.

Their respect for court orders and authority.

Their ability to let their anger and hurt heal and not interfere with the children's relationship with their mother or father.

Their ability to be flexible and willing to work with the other parent.

Their ability to feel guilty when they acted in a way to hurt the children's relationship with their mother or father.

Their ability to allow the other parent to share in their children's activities.

Their ability to share medical and school records. Naive alienators usually don't need therapy but will benefit from learning about parental alienation because of the insight they will gain about how to keep alienation from escalating into something more severe and damaging for all. These parents know they make mistakes but care enough about their children to make things right. They focus on what is good for the children without regret, blame or martyrdom.