The Obsessed Alienator
The Obsessed Alienator
"I love my children. If the court can't protect them from their abusive father, I will. Even
though he's never abused the children, I know it's a matter of time. The children are frightened
of their father. If they don't want to see him, I'm not going to force them. They are old enough
to make up their own minds."
The obsessed alienator is a parent, or sometimes a grandparent, with a cause: to align the
children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship
with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children's
personalities and beliefs into their own. This is a process that takes time but one that the
children, especially the young, are completely helpless to see and combat. It usually begins well
before the divorce is final. The obsessed parent is angry, bitter or feels betrayed by the other
parent. The initial reasons for the bitterness may actually be justified. They could have been
verbally and physical abused, raped, betrayed by an affair, or financially cheated. The problem
occurs when the feelings won't heal but instead become more intense because of being forced to
continue the relationship with a person they despise because of their common parenthood. Just
having to see or talk to the other parent is a reminder of the past and triggers the hate. They
are trapped with nowhere to go and heal.
The characteristics of obsessed alienators are:
They are obsessed with destroying the children's relationship with the targeted parent.
They having succeeded in enmeshing the children's personalities and beliefs about the
other parent with their own.
The children will parrot the obsessed alienator rather than express their own feelings
from personal experience with the other parent.
The targeted parent and often the children cannot tell you the reasons for their feelings.
Their beliefs sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. No one, especially the court,
can convince obsessed alienators that they are wrong. Anyone who tries is the enemy.
They will often seek support from family members, quasi-political groups or friends that
will share in their beliefs that they are victimized by the other parent and the system. The
battle becomes "us against them." The obsessed alienator's supporters are often seen at the
court hearings even though they haven't been subpoenaed.
They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that they have been victimized by the
targeted parent and whatever they do to protect the children is justified.
They have a desire for the court to punish the other parent with court orders that would
interfere or block the targeted parent from seeing the children. This confirms in the obsessed
alienator's mind that he or she was right all the time.
The court's authority does not intimidate them.
The obsessed alienator believes in a higher cause, protecting the children at all cost.
The obsessed alienator will probably not want to read what is on these pages because the
content just makes them angrier.
There are no effective treatments for either the obsessed alienator or the children. The courts
and mental health professionals are helpless. The only hope for these children is early
identification of the symptoms and prevention. After the alienation is entrenched and the
children become "true believers" in the parent's cause, the children are lost to the other
parent for years to come. We realize this is a sad statement, but we have yet to find an effective
intervention, by anyone, including the courts that can rehabilitate the alienating parent and child.
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